Comparison Game

Comparison Game

Comparison has become part our society rather it is on facebook or pinterest. When I was in Jr High and High School, I remember always comparing myself more to other girls I went to church with than girls I went to school with. I never felt good enough. I never felt like I was pretty enough. I never felt spiritual enough to be around or hang out with. SO I started doing my own thing, including rebellion against everything I was ever was taught at church. The same people that set the spiritual foundation in me were the same people I would inwardly rebel against. I felt they were being nice to me because they felt sorry for me because I had a lot to deal with at home.  I did things just like every teenager did to get attention rather it was good or not. Today, I look back and honestly see that my biggest problem was COMPARISON. I am so happy that I didn’t grow up with social media because honestly I would of been more anxious and depressed.

I can hardly believe I have been out of school for 20 years. I am definitely not the same insecure girl. Instead, I have gained confidence of who I am today. Like me or don’t it doesn’t matter to me. I know the people who truly love me and accept for who I am. I look forward of seeing a few familiar faces at my high school reunion.images (2)

So much has happen in 20 years, good and bad but the one thing I am thankful for is for the people in my life today. Also, I don’t have to be the perfect Christian. I just need to be me and be willing to seek His face. I don’t seek Him daily like I should but I have the best accountability partner ever. She keeps me in check. Even when I make an excuse. She calls me out on it. She’s not afraid to keep me in check. My best friend is an amazing woman. She is one the strongest people I know. She has taught me so much and continues to do so. I am so very thankful for her!

I am far from perfect and God knows I will never be but I feel the love and acceptance from Him. God has placed amazing people in my life that keeps me balanced spiritual, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I may still deal with Anxiety & Depression but I am thankful for medication that helps me keep those feelings in check. I just wish I had those medications as a teenager things could of been different. I can’t change the past but I change the present and future! I have learned to just embrace who I was created to be!

I am a wife to an amazing husband! I am a mother to two amazing toddlers! I am a stay at home mom.  Laugh at myself quite often because I remember when I was younger and whispering to God my heart desires. Desires that only He knew. I would whisper often “when I have my children I want to be able to stay home and raise them in a way that God desired not the way I grew up.” A prayer that was answered! I also have the opportunity to home educate my beautiful babies. Some days are a breeze and other days I want to pull my hair out! lol

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Whatever God has brought you through just be who HE has made you to be. Comparing yourself just causes unhappiness, jealousy and sometime anger towards God because all you see is what other have gotten. All you might have gotten is struggle after struggle. Struggling isn’t all bad just remember it will make you stronger and wiser! The person you see that “SEEMS” to have it all. Really doesn’t. They struggle just like you just in silence. So if you want to compare yourself to anyone then compare yourself to the person in the mirror. God made you and loves you just the way you are! Beautiful and Strong inside and out!

Have a Blessed Day!


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Posted by on April 7, 2015 in Comparsion, friends, Hope


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Finding My Way

Finding My Way

It’s been quite the ride in the last couple of months. Sometimes being honest and looking yourself in the mirror can be the hardest thing to do but it’s worth it all at the end of the day.

I became a person I never wanted to become. I allowed all the emotions in my body rule. Became a person that I allowed angry, selfishness, pride, hate, and jealously rule my life. The person I never wanted to be.

I had to take real hard look in the mirror and I didn’t like what I seen. Who I truly was created to be was so buried underneath a pile of garbage and rocks that I had to really dig and pick up each piece. I had to find the gem way down underneath all the rumble.

What I found was a dirty gem that had scratches on it and needed a lot of work to make beautiful again. As I picked up each piece of garbage and rock I discovered was not pretty at all.

Selfishness, Pride, Hate, Jealousy

I bowed my head as tears stream down my face in complete despair. I hear these beautiful words from that still small voice.

I created you. I knew you before you were even born. I knew what path you would walk. I knew what you would be. I knew you and I love you just the way you are. You are beautiful to me. 


So many times we don’t stop and realize that God Almighty knew before it even happen. HE is a Sovereign God. He gives us choices. That is what is so amazing about Him. I am far from perfect and I will never be. The way I thought, the way I spoke, the way I act and responded made this beautiful gem look ugly. I was touchy and irritable. I was outspoken. I  said things that I truly should had never said. I took things out of proportion. I was a MEAN person.

I may have never grown up in a home that taught God’s character but God brought people in my life that set a foundation. A solid foundation on His Word, His Ways,and  His Love. Foundation is the key if the house that is built can survive and flourish after the hurricanes of life.


So my choice is to walk down a completely different road. A road that leads to balance, love, joy, peace, and contentment.

Even though I know tough days are ahead of me.

I have been blessed to have some amazing people in my life to sharpen and hold me accountable for my words and actions.

So Who am I……

I am a Jesus Girl who loves to pray for those around me and study God’s Word.  I love to laugh; yes I laugh loudly. I love to have fun. I am a wine drinker. I love chatting with my best girlfriend. I love being home with my children. Especially learning from them as much as they learn from me. I love my husband and being his wife. He challenges me to become a better wife to him and how I represent our family! I may be rough on the edges but don’t judge this book by it’s cover because really I am kid at heart and I truly never want to grow up. I love our home and re-arranging it all the time. HAHAHA. I hate laundry; who doesn’t. I hate doing dishes but thankful for dish washers. I love shopping online over shopping in a store. I love buying books. Yes books. Some women buy shoes or purses for me it’s BOOKS! I have over 300 in my kindle and I have tons more sitting on my bookshelves. Yes I love reading the books I have not just a collector. My kids have tons and tons of books. Wealth of information from all levels of life. I love Coconut Oil and Essential Oils especially learning how to implement them in our home. I have a passion for giving to others. I would rather give away than selling items. I love sponsoring our Compassion kids in Africa. It amazes us what our small contribution we give each month and birthday gifts; blessing them beyond words can describe. 

Prayer: Father God, may you soften each person that has read this blog today that they may desire to know you more. May you continue to chisel me that I may become less of me and more of you that every person that comes in contact with me sees your character shining through me. In Jesus Mighty Name. Amen

Hope and Pray that you have a Blessed Day!



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Getting to the Root…Part 2

Getting to the Root…Part 2

I am laying in bed I can visualize all the wrinkles in her face where life has taken a toll on her body and making her age very quickly. The bruises on her arms from bumping into something, her hands not as rough as I remembered as a kid. Am I looking in the mirror of who I am going to be when I reach that age or am I going to make a choice to change that direction.

My husband says a saying sometimes to me from a sign he seen at a department store years ago;

Mirror Mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all

I use to get so mad when he said that to me because I didn’t want to be her. I love my mom with all my heart. She was a single mom raising a daughter on her own which is no easy task. Especially, with no help from my dad since he was in prison and her family was not very supportive either. My grandparents were her only good support up until my grandpa died beginning of my 8th grade. My mom will tell you she really didn’t have anyone to teach her how to be a mom. When my older brother was born, my mom was 18 years old, and she had her grandma help her a little bit before her passing but her relationship with her mom was not good at all. So the way she treated me most of my life and the way our relationship has turned into a mirror image of her and her mother.

I know my mom was always supportive when I did church events. She would be the first person to volunteer and come to different functions to show her support for me. What happen behind closed doors is not always what it seems when the doors are wide open. I would isolated myself in my room a lot. At times my step dad would refer it as my “cave.” Only if he knew what happen when I came out of my room especially after he went to work. The yelling would start, the words that cut me so deep would begin. So it was better to just stay there than deal with that stuff. I wasn’t allowed to be the normal teenage girl with emotions.I was expected to just know how to live life without making mistakes and be perfect. I was always past my years because of harsh expectations at home.

So here I am now, dealing with the aging mom. When I fall down now, she now wants to extend her love and grace. When I was a growing up and I needed that attention, that time, be held, show grace, not capitol punishment like I committed the biggest sin on the face of the earth. I lived in a house that was no different than a volocano. I never knew when it would erupt and when it did watch out. It was always targeted at me it didn’t matter what I said or done. I got use to be controlled, bossed around, and pushed away when raising me was too difficult.

The physical pain would go away but the words have stayed with me. Words cut. Its so much harder to take words back once they have been spoken.

So where do I go from here…


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Posted by on January 27, 2015 in Rejection, Words



Getting to the Root…Part 1

Getting to the Root…Part 1

I am woken by my 5 year old, “mama come lay with me”

I graciously get up and walk back to my bed since I was laying with my three year old in his bed. Following a shadow with my eyes barely open and watch her slip in the middle next to her daddy. As a I lay there my heart sinks deeper in what had conspired from the day before. My heart was being spoken to in that soft and quiet voice. Not of condemnation or guilt but of love and grace.

Yesterday was week 1 and day 1 of another online bible study that I decided to participate with. Kinda hard not to participate when my best friend buys and has the book delivered to your doorstep. ha ha. Now that’s a true friend.  Keep It Shut by Karen Ehman, was a book I know I needed but I have tried so many times to watch my words and actions all I have ever did was fail. Yesterday was no different from any other day. All it took was a little fire of tiredness oh okay exhaustion, and that time of the month to cause me to spiral downward. Lets just say everything that could go wrong absolutely did.

Or did it.

Was it a day that God allow things to happen to get me to this place. The root of my explosions. Unfortunately, I always end up with an audience. The little people that God has watching me day in and day out. They really are the reasons why I want to be that better person and connecting mom. Not the overprotective, overbearing, co-dependent but the mom that is connected. I don’t want my kids to ever be afraid to come to me when they have done something they know they shouldn’t had done but did it any way. Or when they done something good. I don’t give them what they need most unconditional Love and never ending Grace!

I hope you follow me on this journey. I really don’t know where it’s gonna take me but I know that I am God’s masterpiece and He’s not done with me yet..

10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10 (NIV)



Posted by on January 27, 2015 in friends, God, Grace, Hope, Keep It Shut, Spiritual Walk



Acceptance Isn’t Always What It Seems

Acceptance Isn’t Always What It Seems

ACCEPTANCE. Is what everyone wants but the only one that can truly give us that is a relationship with God. I met my husband in June 26, 2007 through some mutual friends. I really had been at crossroads at that time. I had been divorce a few years and all I was doing was searching and seeking for that true love that would fill the void that I felt in my life. The loneliness and hopelessness I felt was filled with a lot of things but nothing would truly fill that void. Even though I was not serving God with the way I was acting, He took notice of me. My path was still leading back to His heart. God does allow things to happen in our lives not to run from Him but the opposite. He wants us to learn to lean on Him and fully trust that He is in charge even in our darkest hours. He is there with us and were not alone even though we may allow those thoughts to control us.

I knew almost instintly that Clay was the man God had for me. When I met his family I felt that instint ACCEPTANCE. I felt that love that I was longing for. Our life was grand until change came about. I became pregnant with our first child. We were so excited. Our families were excited. Then at our 13th week, we lost our baby. Again, I had to learn to rely on God to get me through. Why is it in our darkest days we cry out but on a daily basis God would like to hear from us. So before long, I married my best friend; the man of my dreams on April 6, 2008.

Then in May 2009, we found out that we were expecting again. Every emotion under the sun surrounded me. Then we became in the safe zone of our pregnancy and my baby was growing healthier by the day. The amazing feeling of seeing her for the first time was amazing. God was still there. As my due date came closer, the more nervous I became. I have dreamed of being a mother and a wife for a long time. I am finally had what I always desired and dreamed of.

22 months after my sweet angel Madilyn was born my inquistive son Mason was born. Our family was complete. Having Madilyn was just the beginning of change. I sit here in awe of God’s amazing grace during the most difficult times in our marriage and our lives during these short few years of my children born.

10488155_10204302954597292_8794707104768655908_n Dreams and expectations are so deceiving. Nothing is perfect in reality no matter how people may represent themselves. Life stinks sometimes. Relationships are hard and it takes works. Communication is literally the key to any healthy relationships rather it is in a marriage, friendships or family.

Becoming a mommy changed me inside and out. It started while my sweet child  was in my womb. My stinkin’ thinking had to change. Have you ever heard the saying you become who you are around rather it is good or bad. I had to remove the toxic and replace with positive. I started to let go and let God mold me.

I am a stong-willed individual that has never liked being told what to do. I am a Working Progress. Relationships shifted and changed. The hardest thing I had to learn is: I can’t change anyone; I can only change me. True Acceptance and unconditional love can not come from people but only from my God. People can call themselves a Christian but believing and saying doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes me a mechanic. Rejection stings. Healing will take time. Trust will never be the same. But……

GRACE and FORGIVENESS goes a long way.

I am deeply sorry for hurting people with my words and actions. I was in the wrong. I take responsibility for my own actions. Not every thought that comes to my head needs to be said even if I feel it is truth.

“I promise to pray for you every day, ask your forgiveness, grant you the same, and be your friend always.”The Grace Card

I am not striving to just say that I am a Christian but I am working on a complete heart transformation that changes me from the inside out. I have allowed myself become judgemental and critical which is no better than the people who have continue to treat me like I don’t exist. Lesson learned. I am reminded why we are celebrate Christmas and Easter. A savior was born to save me from myself. He suffered the ulimate sacrifice so we all can have a relationship with our Heavenly Father. Being obedient to God and His word can be difficult for me at times. Lets be honest, It’s easy to walk after our flesh when people are being mean and make it well known you are not welcomed.

As the Holiday’s approaches it becomes more stressful for me but this year I am striving for a new goal. Turning my thoughts and heart toward those who accept me for me, love me for me, and respect me as a person. Like me or don’t like me but all I expect is to be treated with Respect as a Human Being who is the mother of my children and Clay’s wife.

You intended to harm me, but  God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done…Don’t be afraid. My God will provide for me and my children. Genesis 50: 20-21

As I end, I am have become more thankful for my parents, my family, my friends, my children, my husband and especially thankful for my husband’s mom who has raised an incredible man. I am also very thankful for Judy and her family for being so REAL and GENUINE…Loving me for me! I love you all very much and I feel very blessed to have each and every one of you in our lives!

God Bless and Happy Holidays!


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Posted by on November 13, 2014 in Thankfulness


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I have to be honest I have never really read the book of Esther. I had a few things stick out to me so I am going to share a small recap of what I believe meant the most.

Esther was a Jewish girl who was an orphaned but back in the day family meant something. Her cousin Mordecai took her in and gave her the home she so needed. Today when children are abandoned or taken from there parents usually you see grandparents taking those children in. My opinion is what we should be doing. We hear a lot of negativity about it but Mordecai didn’t he took Esther in and knew God was in the midst no matter what.

So how does a Jewish and orphan girl become a Queen….

Well it all started Queen Vashti refused and disobey the King. As I was reading I was imaging the scenerio like this. The guys were in one area of the Castle and the girls in another area. The guys were drinking and being stupid. So the King ordered his Queen to come into the party of drunkened men and show off his Queen. The Queen wasn’t having it. She refused to  walk in there and be a physical toy for these boys. So she got banished for disobeying and refusing to come to the King. So all the men got together and couldn’t have her do that because then all the women of the land would think it’s okay to do that. So this where Esther came into the picture.

The King became lonely and his pals decided to go find him a new gal. Well, she couldn’t just be any kind of gal she had to be drop dead gorgeous! So Esther was chosen but the thing that got me was she couldn’t tell anyone that she was Jewish. She had to deny her true identity to get somewhere greater. During the next several months she was given a complete makeover so she can be presented to the King perfect and flawless.

In the meantime King Ahasuerus appointed a crooked Prime Minister Haman. They had to treat him and bow the same as they did to the King. Well, one jewish man refused to do so. It was Mordecai (Esther cousin). Haman was a man of hate. He wanted Mordecai killed. He even went to the King and offered his own money to not just kill one Jewish man but all the Jewish people!

Mordecai wasn’t going to be killed without being noticed by Esther. Esther and Mordacai exchanged some notes.

Esther 4: 13-14

This was Mordecai’s reply to Esther: “Do you think you will escape there in the palace when all other Jews are killed? If you keep quiet at a time like this God will deliver the Jews from some other source, but you and your relatives will die; what’s more, who can say but that God has brought you into the palace for just such a time as this?

I think back how many times, I went through situations or had to suffer. The famous question, came up “Why, God?” But what if all was suppose to happen exactly the way it did for a reason. God is a Sovereign! I believe full hearted that through all the trials of my life there is a reason for it all. I asked God – Why – many times in the midst of it all and I am sure I will be that annoying toddler child that ask Why.

What if we didn’t ask “Why” but take the situation at hand like Esther and turn the situation around so at the end of the day we are giving God the glory. If you continue to read, you will see Esther was given favor by God and was able to save her people. All she did was become face to face in the midst of turmoil with God Almighty.

Not everyone has the fairy tale ending like Esther but what if we just learn to accept that God is all knowing and all powerful. HE is in control of every thing. Nothing goes unnoticed.  What if we just need to learn to go with the flow and surrender our control over to Him so we can become healed from all the scars. Watch God reward, restored, and repay us for all the turmoil you’ve gone through. At the end of the day, I pray that I have become a stronger, wiser, and better women. One thing that helps me in the midst of trails is trying to remind myself that no matter what God is Sovereign! I am His child and he loves me no matter whatever I have done. Just as a parent does things for their child that they don’t understand or like; He is being a parent to us all!



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Posted by on September 11, 2014 in Courtney Joseph, Good Morning Girls


Blogging thru Bible


I have decided to join a new journey of reading through the bible with Women Living Well.  I am definitely looking forward to moving forward while opening my heart up completely to God as I dig into each chapter and verse. I have never truly read through the whole bible chapter and verse but I have read quite of few books. So the first book we are covering is the book Esther. I have always heard about Esther but never read it throughly. So I am eager to learn who she was as a woman living in those times. Lets be honest, I love learning from other women that have gone or experience similiar situations that I am dealing with. Especially learning from them on how I can maybe change the way I respond to the “mountains” that are in my life.

See women in the bible are no different than what we women in today experience. They experience raw emotions with raw circumstances that sometimes were joyous but also very painful. I have been going through a very painful season of dealing with my raw emotions that run through my body. I have been struggling for so long with depression and anxiety that sometimes it’s just easy to throw up your hands emotionally and say “I quit, I give up, I can’t do this any more.” But our Heavenly Father loves us so much that even in those darkest hours he doesn’t give up on us but put people and allow circumstances to just remind us all that we are working progress and that no matter what HIS LOVE is UNCONDITIONAL with no strings attached.

So join me on this journey as we all learn together as God’s Children!






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Posted by on September 1, 2014 in Courtney Joseph, Good Morning Girls


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