Getting to the Root…Part 2

Getting to the Root…Part 2

I am laying in bed I can visualize all the wrinkles in her face where life has taken a toll on her body and making her age very quickly. The bruises on her arms from bumping into something, her hands not as rough as I remembered as a kid. Am I looking in the mirror of who I am going to be when I reach that age or am I going to make a choice to change that direction.

My husband says a saying sometimes to me from a sign he seen at a department store years ago;

Mirror Mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all

I use to get so mad when he said that to me because I didn’t want to be her. I love my mom with all my heart. She was a single mom raising a daughter on her own which is no easy task. Especially, with no help from my dad since he was in prison and her family was not very supportive either. My grandparents were her only good support up until my grandpa died beginning of my 8th grade. My mom will tell you she really didn’t have anyone to teach her how to be a mom. When my older brother was born, my mom was 18 years old, and she had her grandma help her a little bit before her passing but her relationship with her mom was not good at all. So the way she treated me most of my life and the way our relationship has turned into a mirror image of her and her mother.

I know my mom was always supportive when I did church events. She would be the first person to volunteer and come to different functions to show her support for me. What happen behind closed doors is not always what it seems when the doors are wide open. I would isolated myself in my room a lot. At times my step dad would refer it as my “cave.” Only if he knew what happen when I came out of my room especially after he went to work. The yelling would start, the words that cut me so deep would begin. So it was better to just stay there than deal with that stuff. I wasn’t allowed to be the normal teenage girl with emotions.I was expected to just know how to live life without making mistakes and be perfect. I was always past my years because of harsh expectations at home.

So here I am now, dealing with the aging mom. When I fall down now, she now wants to extend her love and grace. When I was a growing up and I needed that attention, that time, be held, show grace, not capitol punishment like I committed the biggest sin on the face of the earth. I lived in a house that was no different than a volocano. I never knew when it would erupt and when it did watch out. It was always targeted at me it didn’t matter what I said or done. I got use to be controlled, bossed around, and pushed away when raising me was too difficult.

The physical pain would go away but the words have stayed with me. Words cut. Its so much harder to take words back once they have been spoken.

So where do I go from here…


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Posted by on January 27, 2015 in Rejection, Words



Getting to the Root…Part 1

Getting to the Root…Part 1

I am woken by my 5 year old, “mama come lay with me”

I graciously get up and walk back to my bed since I was laying with my three year old in his bed. Following a shadow with my eyes barely open and watch her slip in the middle next to her daddy. As a I lay there my heart sinks deeper in what had conspired from the day before. My heart was being spoken to in that soft and quiet voice. Not of condemnation or guilt but of love and grace.

Yesterday was week 1 and day 1 of another online bible study that I decided to participate with. Kinda hard not to participate when my best friend buys and has the book delivered to your doorstep. ha ha. Now that’s a true friend.  Keep It Shut by Karen Ehman, was a book I know I needed but I have tried so many times to watch my words and actions all I have ever did was fail. Yesterday was no different from any other day. All it took was a little fire of tiredness oh okay exhaustion, and that time of the month to cause me to spiral downward. Lets just say everything that could go wrong absolutely did.

Or did it.

Was it a day that God allow things to happen to get me to this place. The root of my explosions. Unfortunately, I always end up with an audience. The little people that God has watching me day in and day out. They really are the reasons why I want to be that better person and connecting mom. Not the overprotective, overbearing, co-dependent but the mom that is connected. I don’t want my kids to ever be afraid to come to me when they have done something they know they shouldn’t had done but did it any way. Or when they done something good. I don’t give them what they need most unconditional Love and never ending Grace!

I hope you follow me on this journey. I really don’t know where it’s gonna take me but I know that I am God’s masterpiece and He’s not done with me yet..

10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10 (NIV)



Posted by on January 27, 2015 in friends, God, Grace, Hope, Keep It Shut, Spiritual Walk



Acceptance Isn’t Always What It Seems

Acceptance Isn’t Always What It Seems

ACCEPTANCE. Is what everyone wants but the only one that can truly give us that is a relationship with God. I met my husband in June 26, 2007 through some mutual friends. I really had been at crossroads at that time. I had been divorce a few years and all I was doing was searching and seeking for that true love that would fill the void that I felt in my life. The loneliness and hopelessness I felt was filled with a lot of things but nothing would truly fill that void. Even though I was not serving God with the way I was acting, He took notice of me. My path was still leading back to His heart. God does allow things to happen in our lives not to run from Him but the opposite. He wants us to learn to lean on Him and fully trust that He is in charge even in our darkest hours. He is there with us and were not alone even though we may allow those thoughts to control us.

I knew almost instintly that Clay was the man God had for me. When I met his family I felt that instint ACCEPTANCE. I felt that love that I was longing for. Our life was grand until change came about. I became pregnant with our first child. We were so excited. Our families were excited. Then at our 13th week, we lost our baby. Again, I had to learn to rely on God to get me through. Why is it in our darkest days we cry out but on a daily basis God would like to hear from us. So before long, I married my best friend; the man of my dreams on April 6, 2008.

Then in May 2009, we found out that we were expecting again. Every emotion under the sun surrounded me. Then we became in the safe zone of our pregnancy and my baby was growing healthier by the day. The amazing feeling of seeing her for the first time was amazing. God was still there. As my due date came closer, the more nervous I became. I have dreamed of being a mother and a wife for a long time. I am finally had what I always desired and dreamed of.

22 months after my sweet angel Madilyn was born my inquistive son Mason was born. Our family was complete. Having Madilyn was just the beginning of change. I sit here in awe of God’s amazing grace during the most difficult times in our marriage and our lives during these short few years of my children born.

10488155_10204302954597292_8794707104768655908_n Dreams and expectations are so deceiving. Nothing is perfect in reality no matter how people may represent themselves. Life stinks sometimes. Relationships are hard and it takes works. Communication is literally the key to any healthy relationships rather it is in a marriage, friendships or family.

Becoming a mommy changed me inside and out. It started while my sweet child  was in my womb. My stinkin’ thinking had to change. Have you ever heard the saying you become who you are around rather it is good or bad. I had to remove the toxic and replace with positive. I started to let go and let God mold me.

I am a stong-willed individual that has never liked being told what to do. I am a Working Progress. Relationships shifted and changed. The hardest thing I had to learn is: I can’t change anyone; I can only change me. True Acceptance and unconditional love can not come from people but only from my God. People can call themselves a Christian but believing and saying doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes me a mechanic. Rejection stings. Healing will take time. Trust will never be the same. But……

GRACE and FORGIVENESS goes a long way.

I am deeply sorry for hurting people with my words and actions. I was in the wrong. I take responsibility for my own actions. Not every thought that comes to my head needs to be said even if I feel it is truth.

“I promise to pray for you every day, ask your forgiveness, grant you the same, and be your friend always.”The Grace Card

I am not striving to just say that I am a Christian but I am working on a complete heart transformation that changes me from the inside out. I have allowed myself become judgemental and critical which is no better than the people who have continue to treat me like I don’t exist. Lesson learned. I am reminded why we are celebrate Christmas and Easter. A savior was born to save me from myself. He suffered the ulimate sacrifice so we all can have a relationship with our Heavenly Father. Being obedient to God and His word can be difficult for me at times. Lets be honest, It’s easy to walk after our flesh when people are being mean and make it well known you are not welcomed.

As the Holiday’s approaches it becomes more stressful for me but this year I am striving for a new goal. Turning my thoughts and heart toward those who accept me for me, love me for me, and respect me as a person. Like me or don’t like me but all I expect is to be treated with Respect as a Human Being who is the mother of my children and Clay’s wife.

You intended to harm me, but  God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done…Don’t be afraid. My God will provide for me and my children. Genesis 50: 20-21

As I end, I am have become more thankful for my parents, my family, my friends, my children, my husband and especially thankful for my husband’s mom who has raised an incredible man. I am also very thankful for Judy and her family for being so REAL and GENUINE…Loving me for me! I love you all very much and I feel very blessed to have each and every one of you in our lives!

God Bless and Happy Holidays!


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Posted by on November 13, 2014 in Thankfulness


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I have to be honest I have never really read the book of Esther. I had a few things stick out to me so I am going to share a small recap of what I believe meant the most.

Esther was a Jewish girl who was an orphaned but back in the day family meant something. Her cousin Mordecai took her in and gave her the home she so needed. Today when children are abandoned or taken from there parents usually you see grandparents taking those children in. My opinion is what we should be doing. We hear a lot of negativity about it but Mordecai didn’t he took Esther in and knew God was in the midst no matter what.

So how does a Jewish and orphan girl become a Queen….

Well it all started Queen Vashti refused and disobey the King. As I was reading I was imaging the scenerio like this. The guys were in one area of the Castle and the girls in another area. The guys were drinking and being stupid. So the King ordered his Queen to come into the party of drunkened men and show off his Queen. The Queen wasn’t having it. She refused to  walk in there and be a physical toy for these boys. So she got banished for disobeying and refusing to come to the King. So all the men got together and couldn’t have her do that because then all the women of the land would think it’s okay to do that. So this where Esther came into the picture.

The King became lonely and his pals decided to go find him a new gal. Well, she couldn’t just be any kind of gal she had to be drop dead gorgeous! So Esther was chosen but the thing that got me was she couldn’t tell anyone that she was Jewish. She had to deny her true identity to get somewhere greater. During the next several months she was given a complete makeover so she can be presented to the King perfect and flawless.

In the meantime King Ahasuerus appointed a crooked Prime Minister Haman. They had to treat him and bow the same as they did to the King. Well, one jewish man refused to do so. It was Mordecai (Esther cousin). Haman was a man of hate. He wanted Mordecai killed. He even went to the King and offered his own money to not just kill one Jewish man but all the Jewish people!

Mordecai wasn’t going to be killed without being noticed by Esther. Esther and Mordacai exchanged some notes.

Esther 4: 13-14

This was Mordecai’s reply to Esther: “Do you think you will escape there in the palace when all other Jews are killed? If you keep quiet at a time like this God will deliver the Jews from some other source, but you and your relatives will die; what’s more, who can say but that God has brought you into the palace for just such a time as this?

I think back how many times, I went through situations or had to suffer. The famous question, came up “Why, God?” But what if all was suppose to happen exactly the way it did for a reason. God is a Sovereign! I believe full hearted that through all the trials of my life there is a reason for it all. I asked God – Why – many times in the midst of it all and I am sure I will be that annoying toddler child that ask Why.

What if we didn’t ask “Why” but take the situation at hand like Esther and turn the situation around so at the end of the day we are giving God the glory. If you continue to read, you will see Esther was given favor by God and was able to save her people. All she did was become face to face in the midst of turmoil with God Almighty.

Not everyone has the fairy tale ending like Esther but what if we just learn to accept that God is all knowing and all powerful. HE is in control of every thing. Nothing goes unnoticed.  What if we just need to learn to go with the flow and surrender our control over to Him so we can become healed from all the scars. Watch God reward, restored, and repay us for all the turmoil you’ve gone through. At the end of the day, I pray that I have become a stronger, wiser, and better women. One thing that helps me in the midst of trails is trying to remind myself that no matter what God is Sovereign! I am His child and he loves me no matter whatever I have done. Just as a parent does things for their child that they don’t understand or like; He is being a parent to us all!



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Posted by on September 11, 2014 in Courtney Joseph, Good Morning Girls


Blogging thru Bible


I have decided to join a new journey of reading through the bible with Women Living Well.  I am definitely looking forward to moving forward while opening my heart up completely to God as I dig into each chapter and verse. I have never truly read through the whole bible chapter and verse but I have read quite of few books. So the first book we are covering is the book Esther. I have always heard about Esther but never read it throughly. So I am eager to learn who she was as a woman living in those times. Lets be honest, I love learning from other women that have gone or experience similiar situations that I am dealing with. Especially learning from them on how I can maybe change the way I respond to the “mountains” that are in my life.

See women in the bible are no different than what we women in today experience. They experience raw emotions with raw circumstances that sometimes were joyous but also very painful. I have been going through a very painful season of dealing with my raw emotions that run through my body. I have been struggling for so long with depression and anxiety that sometimes it’s just easy to throw up your hands emotionally and say “I quit, I give up, I can’t do this any more.” But our Heavenly Father loves us so much that even in those darkest hours he doesn’t give up on us but put people and allow circumstances to just remind us all that we are working progress and that no matter what HIS LOVE is UNCONDITIONAL with no strings attached.

So join me on this journey as we all learn together as God’s Children!






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Posted by on September 1, 2014 in Courtney Joseph, Good Morning Girls


Wow, I feel so lost for words. It’s been so long since I have blogged. Just merely everyday busyness came into play with holidays. Now here we are a new year and a day away from entering February. Time flies very quickly especially if we allow things to control our days instead of being intent on how our time is spent.

The New Year began with my mother becoming really sick and spent 8 days in the hospital. She has COPD and this was the first time in five years with a flare up; so that’s a good thing. Getting a call from the hospital at 7:30 in the morning I just knew it was her. I was ready for anything since the whole drive in to town I prayed and prepared my heart for decision I would have to make since I am her Power of Attorney. The whole time I remember singing in the car a song, “I Have A Hope” by Debra Arnott (a beautiful and very talented friend). Hanging onto each word knowing that I am not alone and that God is with me.

During those eight days, became very hard with trying to balance my family at home and taking care of things with her. During those days, we discovered my mom had developed on the right side of her heart Congestive Heart Failure, Diabetes, and COPD has stepped into a new level. So many changes all at once could make a old dog drag there feet and not want to cooperate but overall by the time she became settled back at home my mom has retaught herself to start eating right, checking her sugars, check her oxygen levels more closer, but won’t give up the one habit that has caused her all her breathing problems. So again I sing loud and clear, “I HAVE A NEW HOPE” and God is in Control of this whole situation because of that I have complete peace in everything.

Amazing how God will use one situation to open your eyes in another situation. I rediscovered my relationship with my nephew. I finally was ready to step up and take responsibility where he needed me the most to be his aunt, his friend, and most importantly see him as a man instead of a child. Breakthrough happen. Now, we see each other completely different. For that, I am completely thankful for!

Celebrated my daughters 4th birthday! How time flies, where has those sweet years gone. She is turning into such an amazing individual so full of life and love! So talented and loves Jesus with all her heart and not afraid to let the world know it.

This passed week, my step-dad was in the hospital for pancreatitis….Thankful he was only there for 2 short days and thankful his numbers came down very quickly and he feeling much better!

So this is what 2014 has shown me already, that my God is faithful! No matter what happens with my parents health, I am at peace that God knows all.  I know that I serve a Sovereign God who loves me so much even when I fail miserable in my words and actions. He still knows my heart. He knows I have a NEW HOPE…HOPE that no matter what He is ALL-KNOWING and He loves me so much to take care of me and my family!

Please take the time to watch Debra’s new video that was released and you can buy her CD on ITUNES too.

Walk in Peace in Jesus,


A New Year, A New Hope

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Posted by on January 31, 2014 in A NEW HOPE


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1381389_10151759018111961_2031652855_nI can hardly believe that December is only a few short days away. So I stop and look back at what 2013, has taught me about myself. Have a learned and grown in any specific ways? Have I grown in Christ? Have grown as a wife and mother? Have I grown and changed as a woman? Every year I try to stop and examine my year. See how I can do better to myself and others. This year has been a growing year. It’s been a stretching of my faith. But to me mostly, becoming the woman God has called me to be. His love is PERFECT so I don’t have to be. (A Confident Heart, Renee Swopes).

My heart had been searching and discovered who is God and not just what a preacher says He is but who He is to me. My first step came when I had to take a step back from a church that has always been my “home church” since I was a child. Then I found a church where no one knew me. I began to worship and learn who is this God I worship. In my mind if I would discover who God is then I would find out who I am in Christ, who I am as a wife, who I am as a mother, daughter, family member, and as a woman. This journey I have been on has been a very difficult one. I had to become truly honest with God, others and myself. Looking myself in the mirror has not always been a easy thing for me to do.

So who is my God? He created Heavens and earth with detail and precision. Not leaving one thing on this earth untouched with detail (Genesis 1-11). He is a Sovereign God (Rev. 21:6, Col. 1:16, Rom 11:33, Jer. 32:17).  I have always heard “Sovereign God” but never truly understood what it was meant until I started digging deeper.  In the dictionary, “sovereign” has many phrases and words attached to it, like “superior,” “supreme in power and authority, ” and independent of all others.” The way I have been able to grasp it is by saying it this way, “My God is in control of everything!” He is all -knowing and all powerful!

WOW… that blew me away completely. Then I started on the next part of my journey once I discovered the kind of God I worship. I started a Online Bible Study with Proverbs 31 with Renee Swopes Book “A Confident Heart.” Now that has been amazing way for me to be fully honest with God and myself on who I have become and how I viewed myself. So I started to be real and discovered that how I viewed myself is NOT how my God seen me in His eyes. The best part to me was, I am uniquely made and created as God’s masterpiece! That my childhood and my past does not dictate who I Am in Christ. I may had felt unloved, unaccepted, unworthy, and not valued but God word says, I am loved, I am chosen, I am worthy, I am valuable, and worthy of Him and His mercy & grace. I can close the door to my childhood and past. Become the woman God has called me to be. I am a worshiper in spirit and truth! If I expected my Sovereign God to forgive me for the wrongs I have done in my life … I must forgive and release those people who have done wrong to me.

Did you catch that…

Matthew 6:14-15 Living Bible 

“14-15 Your heavenly Father will forgive you if you forgive those who sin against you; but if you refuse to forgive them, he will not forgive you.”

Why do you think Jesus first said this directly after “Lord’s Prayer” in Matthew and then again he said it again in Mark 11:25-26. I think he was stressing the importance of forgiving even when the other person may not deserve to be forgiven. Jesus knew he was going to be betrayed but he still said it not once but twice. I have been betrayed and hurt by people that I have trusted and loved since I was a child but Jesus still tells us that we need to forgive not for the other persons sake but for our sake. So our “Sovereign God” who is all knowing and all powerful and is in control of every situation will forgive us. So if we can forgive those, He forgives us, and in turn my all knowing God will take care of them. See by releasing the betrayal, the hurt, the pain associated to the mess, He is a fair and just God. In Isaiah 61:2 we are reminded that he is in control.

Isaiah 61:2 Amplified Bible 

“2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor] [a]and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,”

I have to admit forgiving certain people has been the hardest thing for me to do but what I love the most about God is found in Jeremiah. But not only forgiving and releasing the person, I started to see those people through God’s eyes. Time to get our eyes checked and get new glasses…Godly Glasses…

Jeremiah 29:11 Living Bible 

“11 For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

God has known me since I was in my mother’s belly, He knew me as a child growing up in abuse, alcoholism, confusion associated with divorce and my family being ripped and shredded apart literally. He knew me as a child, as a teenager, as a young married woman and then divorced woman. Finally, He knew what I would go through but He most importantly would give me a future but not any kind of future but with hope.

This time of year is always busy but I ask of you this season to take a step back and remember the true reason for this season. Forgiveness and love go hand in hand. I am not saying you have to be best buds with those that have done you wrong but  to forgive and release them. Then watch what God is in the business of doing…Giving a future filled with HOPE.

God Bless and have a great day!

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Posted by on November 27, 2013 in Uncategorized


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