Getting to the Root…Part 1

I am woken by my 5 year old, “mama come lay with me”

I graciously get up and walk back to my bed since I was laying with my three year old in his bed. Following a shadow with my eyes barely open and watch her slip in the middle next to her daddy. As a I lay there my heart sinks deeper in what had conspired from the day before. My heart was being spoken to in that soft and quiet voice. Not of condemnation or guilt but of love and grace.

Yesterday was week 1 and day 1 of another online bible study that I decided to participate with. Kinda hard not to participate when my best friend buys and has the book delivered to your doorstep. ha ha. Now that’s a true friend.  Keep It Shut by Karen Ehman, was a book I know I needed but I have tried so many times to watch my words and actions all I have ever did was fail. Yesterday was no different from any other day. All it took was a little fire of tiredness oh okay exhaustion, and that time of the month to cause me to spiral downward. Lets just say everything that could go wrong absolutely did.

Or did it.

Was it a day that God allow things to happen to get me to this place. The root of my explosions. Unfortunately, I always end up with an audience. The little people that God has watching me day in and day out. They really are the reasons why I want to be that better person and connecting mom. Not the overprotective, overbearing, co-dependent but the mom that is connected. I don’t want my kids to ever be afraid to come to me when they have done something they know they shouldn’t had done but did it any way. Or when they done something good. I don’t give them what they need most unconditional Love and never ending Grace!

I hope you follow me on this journey. I really don’t know where it’s gonna take me but I know that I am God’s masterpiece and He’s not done with me yet..

10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10 (NIV)

Elizabeth

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Who I Am

Most of my life I have struggled with co-dependence, rejection, abandonment, betrayal….Believing constant lies that I was “not good enough” to be with, “not good enough” to love, “not good enough” to have a true friend who loves me, prays with me, encourages me and not just have a one-sided friendship. But God says, I am good enough.

I am good enough.

No I am not perfect. Yes I do make mistakes and do things or say things I am not proud of but I am still good enough.  I can finally look fear in the eyes and all the lies that I have told myself that God loves me and I am His child of the most High God. I am not my own. I was bought with a price. I am accepted. I am valuable. I am priceless.

No one is better than the next person. I am Unique. If we were all made with the same personality, same likeness, and nothing is different among us life would

Ch 2 Confident Heart

be very boring. We were made to be as unique as our DNA. I may not be skinny enough in someone else eyes…oh well, I am a working progress and I am beautiful in God’s eyes. I may be loud and love to laugh loud but laughter can be contagious. You should try it.

As I was reading some of you ladies blogs yesterday,  God started ministering to my heart, about being bold like a lion and tackling these thoughts head on. God’s word reminds us that in 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 (NKJV)

4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ,

So God already gave us the power & authority to speak to these lies that try to make us feel like we are unworthy of love and acceptance. So when the lies start knocking at our door we have the control to either open it or keep it close. For me it’s going to be an ongoing progress battling all the lies that I have told myself for so long but the good news is….

I am His masterpiece being molded and shaped so when people see me they will really see Him through me!

Father God,  I may not have it all but with you I have it all! I thank you that I am not my own but bought with a price. I praise you for all that you are doing in me that each step I take in life you are there. Holy Spirit remind me on those days that I don’t feel “good enough” in peoples eyes that I am GOOD ENOUGH in my Jesus eyes. In Jesus Name Amen.

***This blog was wrote last week just didn’t publish it. So here you go…***

God Bless…

Liz

 

I Believe

So I have to be real my Jesus it’s so hard to be real.

My childhood was covered with my alcoholic father who abused my mother & brother physically, mentally, and emotionally. He walked out on my 7th birthday. He went to prison when I was 9 yrs old, for molestation. I was teased and picked on by classmates and teachers alike. My mother’s wrath was furious at home. A shy quiet girl,  targeted and molested by neighbor at 10 years old. Worth gone.  I was a nobody. At 11 yrs old, I met my Jesus.  I finally found what I so needed. The black cloud was moving. Because of the lies I believed growing up it made my teenage years no better. I starved for attention and looked for love from anyone. My Pastors were amazing people who were there for me. I finally developed a close knit friend and her family became my safe haven when I needed it.

The foundation of me was being rebuilt but I still believed in the mountain of lies. I was not worthy of love. I am nobody. I can’t do anything. I seen my Jesus dispute each of these lies through different ministry opportunities I experienced, but the lies were always there taunting me.

I finally found the man that God had for me when I was 32 years old.  We got married and started having our family. After giving birth to my daughter was when the anxieties and panic took over.  I have always struggled with some form of depression and anxiety since childhood. This time it was different. I felt fear wrapping his hands around my throat and literally choking me.

I can’t be a good mommy.

I can’t be a good wife.

I am too opinionated.

I am too outspoken.

I am not a good person.

These thoughts overtook me. They effected my work ethics, my home life, my relationships with friends.  So what changed.  I heard Joel Osteen say, “God is in the business of restoration.” “He is going to RESTORE everything that you ever lost.”  Those encouraging words were stepping stones for what God had in stored for me.

Chapter 2 “It is a rare soul indeed who has been sought after for who she is – not because of what she can do, or what other can gain from her, but simply for herself.” Jesus knows my heart is still broken but as I peel back each layer of hurt away and replace it with His Words then I start BELIEVING IT!

I Believe I can do ALL things through Christ (Phil 4:13)

I Believe I am God’s masterpiece; Made perfectly & exactly as I was suppose to be made. (Eph 2:10)

I Believe I am loved and valuable (John 3:16)

#perfectlove

Yes these are my toes in the sand when I was celebrating my 30th birthday. I thought what a perfect way to remind myself all that I have learned in Chapter 1 & 2

I don’t know about you but I feel like God is refreshing me and showing me who He is – THE GREAT I AM. Everything that I have read in these chapters is exactly what God has been dealing with me for months. So here I am Jesus, Mold me-Shape me-Change me.

NO MORE PERFECT MOM

I know it has been a while since my last blog but I am here to say it’s amazing what a little running away to a mom’s conventions can do for you. I hope you don’t mind but I am going to be a little honest, open, and real with you in this blog.

When I had my daughter 3 yrs ago, I thought I was well prepared for parenting and motherhood. I was 34 yrs old, I thought I finally reached adulthood and was ready for the journey in front of me. I thought by reading all kinds of books on past scars and passing it down to my children, speaking with moms that had been through the battles and walked away with scars from motherhood that I would not make the same mistakes. Joke was on me. So when I had my son, I felt lost, confused, exhausted, burned out, and very much defeated. With lack of knowledge and no “Real” support system I felt alone in this role of being a mother. See when I was growing up I didn’t have the a good role model of what mothers are suppose to do for their children. Now saying that, some will say I am contradicting myself but follow me for a minute. My mom was a great mom in other ways. She loved me unconditionally, supported me when I need it, worked hard to provide for me, and she taught me how to survive when life was just plain ugly. I now understand that my mom was not a bad mom she just didn’t have anyone every show her, model for her on the role of motherhood. She wasn’t given the tools she needed to be a wife and mother. From the get go in her relationship with my dad was abusive and ugly but where their is ugliness beauty always follows which in her case was my brother and I.

I just came home from the most overwhelming and emotional weekend face to face with  Jesus and real truth. I went to my first “Hearts at Home National Convention” in Bloomington-Normal, IL. Ladies, that have gone before prepared me as much as they could and I even tried to prepare myself emotionally for the experience. Our first speaker, was Jill Savage founder of Hearts at Home. When she spoke it was like she was speaking right at me and my life. Sometimes moms, you just need to get real and take off the mask that covers our scars and bruises from childhood to motherhood. Before I walked in that big auditorium I made that decision I was going to be open and honest with myself and to God! Look myself in the mirror and allow God to pierce my heart because honestly I was more than just exhausted when I headed to Bloomington-Normal. I was emotionally and mentally felt ran over by a big Semi-Truck and I didn’t know how I was ever gonna get pass some stuff I was dealing with feelings and outburst like anger, bitterness, and exhaustion. I was sick-tired of the way I was living & responding to situations with complete anger & bitterness, sick-tired of the way I was responding to my husband and children, sick-tired in the way I was treating people I loved like my mom. So I was at a place in my heart that I needed someone to help me and minister right to my heart and right where I was at. That is what is so cool about God he knows our hearts and he knows what we need even when we can’t put it into words. He knows. So God Almighty used some amazing woman and men to minister to me and supplied me with tools that I can use and put into practice immediately.

What does “No more Perfect Mom” mean to me?

Giving myself and others the freedom to fail and make mistakes. Now, those few short sentence means a lot to me….If I would allow myself and others the freedom to fail and make mistakes that means that I would not be disappointed. Which for me disappointment leads to anger then to “mommy monster” as Jill called it. I then wouldn’t feel guilty because I released the high expectation that myself and my family had live up too. Another thing, that stood out to me is stop comparing my inside to other women, mothers, families outside. That really becomes a dangerous game to play. Which I did all the time. I would compare myself to other women, Facebook friends, Pinterest, even family members, friends, and acquaintances. So you name it I played the comparison game all the time. I wasn’t pretty even, my hair wasn’t long enough, I wasn’t skinny enough, I wasn’t nice enough, I wasn’t ….. my list and expectation on myself was harsh and long. The Freedom I feel to have the tangible tools in my hands and heart to really be able to be REAL and UNMASKED! No longer living a life of fakeness but REALNESS! I have a real husband who likes to wash towels with shirts, I have real children who do not listen and obey like I would like and talks back, I have a real me who I was quick to anger when my expectation wasn’t met but have learned to replace anger with grace. Grace has been a way of living for me lately..I am learning to embrace my new friend grace…..

2 Corinthians 12:9

Amplified Bible (AMP)
9 But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and [a]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may [b]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
I not just walked away with a new outlook, tangible tools to apply into my life, new purpose & direction but I walked away with a new friend who once was an acquaintences to me but now my accountability partner in this crazy world of being a wife and mother. Even though we live in different part of the State of IL. She lives in Southern  IL and I live in Northern IL God has a cool way of making the dots connect.
Until next time,
Liz