I Am Not a failure even when others may think or say I am!
That has been the hardest sentence to swallow for me. So many moments I tried so hard to be the good friend, good christian, good daughter, good wife, a good person and I always fell short. Trying to be perfect in other people eyes has caused me so much heartache and disappointments. I became a “people-pleaser” instead of “God-pleaser” What I love about this chapter is Renee being so blunt and honest about how we view ourselves is totally different than how God sees us.
I was 20 years old, marrying too young, to a man who I thought would give me the life I desired. Even though, people who loved and knew me was telling me I was making a big mistake. I moved out of my parents house, and moved in with this guy, who I only knew for a few months (we did date previously when I was in high school). My spirit was screaming “No” don’t do this but I just thought by marrying him people would look at me as “grown up” and stop treating me like a child. Only if, I listened. Only if I obeyed the voice of God. I didn’t obey so I had to face the music. I was a determined “strong willed” individual that I was going to make my marriage work at any cost. I didn’t care how much I was suffering emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I wasn’t going to fail and I was going to prove to everyone I could handle this. Let me fast forward two years later….
My husband at the time, told me he had a problem. Being me…I can handle it and “I can fix it” kinda person. He didn’t have just any problem “he was addicted to porn” and it threw me into a tailspin I wasn’t expecting. All my insecurities that I have ever had tied around my neck even tighter and caused me to barely be able to breathe. So for the next 6 years, I completely lost who I was as an individual. I was trying to read the road map but my sense of direction was spinning so fast and everything became more out of control.
We just got done celebrating our 8 year anniversary, I fell on my knees and cried out to God with all that was within me “Rescue Me” from all of this. I can’t do it any more. In that moment, I heard God tell me, ” it’s going to be hardest and toughest thing you have ever gone through.” Peace came over me like never before. Within months the cycle of craziness unraveled. It truly was the hardest and toughest moment of my life. I was embarrassed, felt like a failure, lost, confused, hurt, angry, alone, and divorced 1 day before my 29th birthday.
So here I sit now, looking back, I see how I once was lost but now I am found! God’s amazing grace has washed over me. Even though, I may have gone through dark hours, dark days, dark months, and years at least I hung onto the fact that I wasn’t alone. I am not a failure. I just made bad choices and now being older and wiser realize I can’t do anything without my Creator. My merciful God who loves me unconditionally. He makes me a Overcomer. He makes me a better person. I am not perfect and I do make a lot of mistakes but I have a Great Teacher (Jesus) to keep my eyes focused on and His Helper (Holy Spirit) to guide me through each day.
I am REDEEMED, I AM RESTORED, I AM HEALED, I AM A NEW CREATION IN CHRIST & my past failures no longer have a hold on me. I have been blessed with a wonderful man who loves God and takes care of me and our children. God is in the business of restoring everything you think you lost. My God is my “knight and shining armor.” He rescued me and gave me the strength to move on. Nothing in life is ever easy but at least I know, I am not alone, My God is with me. I am NOT Failure as a Christian, A Wife, A Mother, A Daughter, A Daughter n Law, A Friend. I am Me and I was uniquely made perfectly in His image.