Finding My Way

It’s been quite the ride in the last couple of months. Sometimes being honest and looking yourself in the mirror can be the hardest thing to do but it’s worth it all at the end of the day.

I became a person I never wanted to become. I allowed all the emotions in my body rule. Became a person that I allowed angry, selfishness, pride, hate, and jealously rule my life. The person I never wanted to be.

I had to take real hard look in the mirror and I didn’t like what I seen. Who I truly was created to be was so buried underneath a pile of garbage and rocks that I had to really dig and pick up each piece. I had to find the gem way down underneath all the rumble.

What I found was a dirty gem that had scratches on it and needed a lot of work to make beautiful again. As I picked up each piece of garbage and rock I discovered was not pretty at all.

Selfishness, Pride, Hate, Jealousy

I bowed my head as tears stream down my face in complete despair. I hear these beautiful words from that still small voice.

I created you. I knew you before you were even born. I knew what path you would walk. I knew what you would be. I knew you and I love you just the way you are. You are beautiful to me. 


So many times we don’t stop and realize that God Almighty knew before it even happen. HE is a Sovereign God. He gives us choices. That is what is so amazing about Him. I am far from perfect and I will never be. The way I thought, the way I spoke, the way I act and responded made this beautiful gem look ugly. I was touchy and irritable. I was outspoken. I  said things that I truly should had never said. I took things out of proportion. I was a MEAN person.

I may have never grown up in a home that taught God’s character but God brought people in my life that set a foundation. A solid foundation on His Word, His Ways,and  His Love. Foundation is the key if the house that is built can survive and flourish after the hurricanes of life.


So my choice is to walk down a completely different road. A road that leads to balance, love, joy, peace, and contentment.

Even though I know tough days are ahead of me.

I have been blessed to have some amazing people in my life to sharpen and hold me accountable for my words and actions.

So Who am I……

I am a Jesus Girl who loves to pray for those around me and study God’s Word.  I love to laugh; yes I laugh loudly. I love to have fun. I am a wine drinker. I love chatting with my best girlfriend. I love being home with my children. Especially learning from them as much as they learn from me. I love my husband and being his wife. He challenges me to become a better wife to him and how I represent our family! I may be rough on the edges but don’t judge this book by it’s cover because really I am kid at heart and I truly never want to grow up. I love our home and re-arranging it all the time. HAHAHA. I hate laundry; who doesn’t. I hate doing dishes but thankful for dish washers. I love shopping online over shopping in a store. I love buying books. Yes books. Some women buy shoes or purses for me it’s BOOKS! I have over 300 in my kindle and I have tons more sitting on my bookshelves. Yes I love reading the books I have not just a collector. My kids have tons and tons of books. Wealth of information from all levels of life. I love Coconut Oil and Essential Oils especially learning how to implement them in our home. I have a passion for giving to others. I would rather give away than selling items. I love sponsoring our Compassion kids in Africa. It amazes us what our small contribution we give each month and birthday gifts; blessing them beyond words can describe. 

Prayer: Father God, may you soften each person that has read this blog today that they may desire to know you more. May you continue to chisel me that I may become less of me and more of you that every person that comes in contact with me sees your character shining through me. In Jesus Mighty Name. Amen

Hope and Pray that you have a Blessed Day!



Acceptance Isn’t Always What It Seems

ACCEPTANCE. Is what everyone wants but the only one that can truly give us that is a relationship with God. I met my husband in June 26, 2007 through some mutual friends. I really had been at crossroads at that time. I had been divorce a few years and all I was doing was searching and seeking for that true love that would fill the void that I felt in my life. The loneliness and hopelessness I felt was filled with a lot of things but nothing would truly fill that void. Even though I was not serving God with the way I was acting, He took notice of me. My path was still leading back to His heart. God does allow things to happen in our lives not to run from Him but the opposite. He wants us to learn to lean on Him and fully trust that He is in charge even in our darkest hours. He is there with us and were not alone even though we may allow those thoughts to control us.

I knew almost instintly that Clay was the man God had for me. When I met his family I felt that instint ACCEPTANCE. I felt that love that I was longing for. Our life was grand until change came about. I became pregnant with our first child. We were so excited. Our families were excited. Then at our 13th week, we lost our baby. Again, I had to learn to rely on God to get me through. Why is it in our darkest days we cry out but on a daily basis God would like to hear from us. So before long, I married my best friend; the man of my dreams on April 6, 2008.

Then in May 2009, we found out that we were expecting again. Every emotion under the sun surrounded me. Then we became in the safe zone of our pregnancy and my baby was growing healthier by the day. The amazing feeling of seeing her for the first time was amazing. God was still there. As my due date came closer, the more nervous I became. I have dreamed of being a mother and a wife for a long time. I am finally had what I always desired and dreamed of.

22 months after my sweet angel Madilyn was born my inquistive son Mason was born. Our family was complete. Having Madilyn was just the beginning of change. I sit here in awe of God’s amazing grace during the most difficult times in our marriage and our lives during these short few years of my children born.

10488155_10204302954597292_8794707104768655908_n Dreams and expectations are so deceiving. Nothing is perfect in reality no matter how people may represent themselves. Life stinks sometimes. Relationships are hard and it takes works. Communication is literally the key to any healthy relationships rather it is in a marriage, friendships or family.

Becoming a mommy changed me inside and out. It started while my sweet child  was in my womb. My stinkin’ thinking had to change. Have you ever heard the saying you become who you are around rather it is good or bad. I had to remove the toxic and replace with positive. I started to let go and let God mold me.

I am a stong-willed individual that has never liked being told what to do. I am a Working Progress. Relationships shifted and changed. The hardest thing I had to learn is: I can’t change anyone; I can only change me. True Acceptance and unconditional love can not come from people but only from my God. People can call themselves a Christian but believing and saying doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes me a mechanic. Rejection stings. Healing will take time. Trust will never be the same. But……

GRACE and FORGIVENESS goes a long way.

I am deeply sorry for hurting people with my words and actions. I was in the wrong. I take responsibility for my own actions. Not every thought that comes to my head needs to be said even if I feel it is truth.

“I promise to pray for you every day, ask your forgiveness, grant you the same, and be your friend always.”The Grace Card

I am not striving to just say that I am a Christian but I am working on a complete heart transformation that changes me from the inside out. I have allowed myself become judgemental and critical which is no better than the people who have continue to treat me like I don’t exist. Lesson learned. I am reminded why we are celebrate Christmas and Easter. A savior was born to save me from myself. He suffered the ulimate sacrifice so we all can have a relationship with our Heavenly Father. Being obedient to God and His word can be difficult for me at times. Lets be honest, It’s easy to walk after our flesh when people are being mean and make it well known you are not welcomed.

As the Holiday’s approaches it becomes more stressful for me but this year I am striving for a new goal. Turning my thoughts and heart toward those who accept me for me, love me for me, and respect me as a person. Like me or don’t like me but all I expect is to be treated with Respect as a Human Being who is the mother of my children and Clay’s wife.

You intended to harm me, but  God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done…Don’t be afraid. My God will provide for me and my children. Genesis 50: 20-21

As I end, I am have become more thankful for my parents, my family, my friends, my children, my husband and especially thankful for my husband’s mom who has raised an incredible man. I am also very thankful for Judy and her family for being so REAL and GENUINE…Loving me for me! I love you all very much and I feel very blessed to have each and every one of you in our lives!

God Bless and Happy Holidays!



I know it has been a while since my last blog but I am here to say it’s amazing what a little running away to a mom’s conventions can do for you. I hope you don’t mind but I am going to be a little honest, open, and real with you in this blog.

When I had my daughter 3 yrs ago, I thought I was well prepared for parenting and motherhood. I was 34 yrs old, I thought I finally reached adulthood and was ready for the journey in front of me. I thought by reading all kinds of books on past scars and passing it down to my children, speaking with moms that had been through the battles and walked away with scars from motherhood that I would not make the same mistakes. Joke was on me. So when I had my son, I felt lost, confused, exhausted, burned out, and very much defeated. With lack of knowledge and no “Real” support system I felt alone in this role of being a mother. See when I was growing up I didn’t have the a good role model of what mothers are suppose to do for their children. Now saying that, some will say I am contradicting myself but follow me for a minute. My mom was a great mom in other ways. She loved me unconditionally, supported me when I need it, worked hard to provide for me, and she taught me how to survive when life was just plain ugly. I now understand that my mom was not a bad mom she just didn’t have anyone every show her, model for her on the role of motherhood. She wasn’t given the tools she needed to be a wife and mother. From the get go in her relationship with my dad was abusive and ugly but where their is ugliness beauty always follows which in her case was my brother and I.

I just came home from the most overwhelming and emotional weekend face to face with  Jesus and real truth. I went to my first “Hearts at Home National Convention” in Bloomington-Normal, IL. Ladies, that have gone before prepared me as much as they could and I even tried to prepare myself emotionally for the experience. Our first speaker, was Jill Savage founder of Hearts at Home. When she spoke it was like she was speaking right at me and my life. Sometimes moms, you just need to get real and take off the mask that covers our scars and bruises from childhood to motherhood. Before I walked in that big auditorium I made that decision I was going to be open and honest with myself and to God! Look myself in the mirror and allow God to pierce my heart because honestly I was more than just exhausted when I headed to Bloomington-Normal. I was emotionally and mentally felt ran over by a big Semi-Truck and I didn’t know how I was ever gonna get pass some stuff I was dealing with feelings and outburst like anger, bitterness, and exhaustion. I was sick-tired of the way I was living & responding to situations with complete anger & bitterness, sick-tired of the way I was responding to my husband and children, sick-tired in the way I was treating people I loved like my mom. So I was at a place in my heart that I needed someone to help me and minister right to my heart and right where I was at. That is what is so cool about God he knows our hearts and he knows what we need even when we can’t put it into words. He knows. So God Almighty used some amazing woman and men to minister to me and supplied me with tools that I can use and put into practice immediately.

What does “No more Perfect Mom” mean to me?

Giving myself and others the freedom to fail and make mistakes. Now, those few short sentence means a lot to me….If I would allow myself and others the freedom to fail and make mistakes that means that I would not be disappointed. Which for me disappointment leads to anger then to “mommy monster” as Jill called it. I then wouldn’t feel guilty because I released the high expectation that myself and my family had live up too. Another thing, that stood out to me is stop comparing my inside to other women, mothers, families outside. That really becomes a dangerous game to play. Which I did all the time. I would compare myself to other women, Facebook friends, Pinterest, even family members, friends, and acquaintances. So you name it I played the comparison game all the time. I wasn’t pretty even, my hair wasn’t long enough, I wasn’t skinny enough, I wasn’t nice enough, I wasn’t ….. my list and expectation on myself was harsh and long. The Freedom I feel to have the tangible tools in my hands and heart to really be able to be REAL and UNMASKED! No longer living a life of fakeness but REALNESS! I have a real husband who likes to wash towels with shirts, I have real children who do not listen and obey like I would like and talks back, I have a real me who I was quick to anger when my expectation wasn’t met but have learned to replace anger with grace. Grace has been a way of living for me lately..I am learning to embrace my new friend grace…..

2 Corinthians 12:9

Amplified Bible (AMP)
9 But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and [a]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may [b]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
I not just walked away with a new outlook, tangible tools to apply into my life, new purpose & direction but I walked away with a new friend who once was an acquaintences to me but now my accountability partner in this crazy world of being a wife and mother. Even though we live in different part of the State of IL. She lives in Southern  IL and I live in Northern IL God has a cool way of making the dots connect.
Until next time,

I was Lost but now I am Found

Sorry it has been so long since my last blog, time has really slipped away from me. January is always an extremely busy month for us. Right after Christmas then my daughter’s birthday and then onto my birthday so before we know it February creeps up on us….

During my busy month I have really stepped it up and opened myself up to God in a way I have never done. Have you ever been in a place in your life when you feel extremely vulnerable? Maybe on your wedding night  when it is just you and your husband  for the first time. You could feel a bit vulnerable like never before. Something changed in you that night. The Wall of Jericho that has always surrounded you comes tumbling down and for the first time your husband glazes in your eyes piercing right into your soul. Well, that is how God wants us – vulnerable to Him. I feel like for the first time in my life the Wall of Jericho has crumbled down. Standing in complete awe of Him, watching the Master chisel {cut, shaped} away all the hurt and pain, humiliation, fear, and erasing away all the bad & scary memories of my childhood to adulthood; to only discover a beautiful shiny diamond that was hidden underneath it all. To finally get this glimpse of hope, love, and beauty has really all I ever wanted. For so long I covered and shield myself from Him and from others that have known me. See, Father God has something more for us! He wants to take all that has happen in our lives and restore better than new!

When I finally came to this place, I seen Him first hand see my heart and know my thoughts. Over a period of 6 months he slowly removed people from my life that had no place any more. Some people would look at this as I was ending friendships to be cruel and evil but that wasn’t what was happening. Oh How I love thee!  My Father God, was chiseling all the negativity from my life and when He was done with that part he was smoothing out the relationships that were still negative but needed to be there to show me that HE IS GOD ALMIGHTY! Who has given me the keys to improve the way I use my words & acted in those relationships. Now, I am not perfect and I do not claim to be but I am His Masterpiece that is being purified to see things not in my own eyes but with a clearer perception on life.

For far too long I allowed people to steal Love, Joy, Peace, Hope, and Faith from me. I allowed people to take from me, talk down to me, and mistreat me. Over time, I began to go with the “flow” and started to act like them. I am not saying these people were all bad, because they weren’t. I once had a dear friend of mine reminded me there is a season for everything. This season of my life caused friendship to unravel and that even meant certain friendships had to end.

 “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14

I took a long look in the mirror and discovered that I really didn’t like the person I became. I was at that place where I was crying out to God like I had so many times before… “WHY GOD-WHY ME!” This time, I really listened to what He had to say. His soft but stern voice was so loving and gracious even though I know I didn’t deserve it. He gently showed me many things in the last several months on what I really needed to see-He shined HIS LIGHT on the darkness in my life. I had surrounded myself with too many negative people allowing them to rub off on me and I was now acting like them. He was showing me how I was really treating my husband with my words and actions,  treating other people I loved, and how I was acting as a mother. I wanted to be better example to my children so they will never know a day without Jesus. I finally allowed the truth to shine on me and yes I am sure there is more truth to see but right now this is all God was showing me so He could improve and better me. One step at a time. One moment at a time.
 I was allowing things to affect me negatively and I was giving permission to be drained all the time. So I had nothing to give to my own family. When you are the child of God you need to surround yourself with healthy and positive people who can become your accountability. I came to this place where it was time to put behind the gossip, back-biting, hatred, anger, strife, and stop living for myself! When you do that, things are going to change. The wind shifted in a new direction for me, where I could stand on top of the mountain and look down into the valley and see the beauty that God had created for me. My heart had received a heart transplant from the best surgeon of all. For the first time in my life, I really feel completely vulnerable and free in a beautiful way! I am developing a new &  fresh romance. I am sure there are people who are reading this and think this girl is a quack – trust me I’m not I have seen and know that I have been seeking for a long time and found a jewel so beautiful and priceless that is worth more to me than anything I have ever lost or was taken away from me. God has breathed new life in my marriage, my relationships with people, with my family, and especially with my children.
I am now surrounding myself around people who don’t just love me but people who lift me up and encourage me just like I do for them. I have chosen to really get to know who my Creator is to me. He has changed me. I am not perfect. I am still human that makes mistakes and have bad days just like the next person but that still doesn’t change that I am a work in progress being chiseled daily by my Master, my Lord and Savior!
“For we are God’s workmanshipcreated in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10 (NIV 1984)
In Christ,