Finding Peace

For a long time, I have struggled with anxiety and fear. I have allowed anxiety steal my joy and peace of mind. For the last 4 years, it had gotten so bad that I had ask my Doctor to prescribe me something. I was so tired mentally. I just wanted something to numb my senses so I could grasp for air. So many times I felt these big huge hands around my throat choking me from enjoying my life and the life that God had blessed me with.

I finally could breath!

I was able to sleep and handle stresses that came from every direction. I felt like the wife I wanted to be. The mama my kids so deserved! I was able to step up in ways that I allow fear and anxiety to steal from me. In the last couple of years, I was able to shake and break bad friendships that were just tearing me down. Then God brought me a friend and then a few more to do things with. Each baby step I took, was leading directly where I needed to go. Home. At the feet of Jesus.

I was the clay that was being molded for His masterpiece. He loved me so much that my eyes could not see the big picture, but God did. God loves us so much that he will allow certain things to happen not to tear us down but to build us up in Him. No matter what anxiety or fear you face. No matter what lions may be staring you down, ready to rumble. No matter what, God gives us the hope and strength to overcome every fear, anxiety attack, and even when we feel rejected!

He gives us Hope, Love, Joy, and PEACE!

Everyday is a still a very real struggle but knowing no matter who or what lion I may be facing, God is so much BIGGER! He makes me more than a Conqueror in every situation. Life is like a chess game to me.  People are placed at just the right time to encourage and give you the strength to keep carrying on. Then when the time is right to make your move it’s perfect and priceless. The reason is because  we are not fighting against flesh and blood  but against every spiritual forces of evil…Ephesians 6:12

With my Dr’s help, I’ve been able to slowly come off my medication. It’s so hard some days, but I know that I serve the GREAT PHYSICIAN who can heal every part of me. Jesus laid hands on the sick all the time and they were healed. The lame walked. The blind could see. Deaf could hear. In Jesus Name I am Healed!

So I am putting my trust in Him and renewing my mind to his word. Changing my stinkin’ thinkin’ to I have overcome the world. I am not perfect but I was created for His purpose and my Creator is not done with me yet.

A good life is not that is entirely trouble free, but it is one that can always be enjoyed because we trust God and have thought filled with hope a good attitude. Romans 12:2

Joyce Meyers wrote this right on when speaking of Romans 12:2 perfectly in her book “The Mind Connection.”

God has a good, acceptable and perfect plan for you and me, and the way we experience that is not to think like the world thinks, but to be changed entirely by learning to renew our mind and think the way God thinks.

Father God,

Help me to always see your way is better than my own. Help me to rely on you for my strength in every area of my life. You are The Great Physician and I put my trust in you! Even in the darkest days I feel you and know you! I am a Overcomer!

In Jesus Name Amen






Getting to the Root…Part 2

I am laying in bed I can visualize all the wrinkles in her face where life has taken a toll on her body and making her age very quickly. The bruises on her arms from bumping into something, her hands not as rough as I remembered as a kid. Am I looking in the mirror of who I am going to be when I reach that age or am I going to make a choice to change that direction.

My husband says a saying sometimes to me from a sign he seen at a department store years ago;

Mirror Mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all

I use to get so mad when he said that to me because I didn’t want to be her. I love my mom with all my heart. She was a single mom raising a daughter on her own which is no easy task. Especially, with no help from my dad since he was in prison and her family was not very supportive either. My grandparents were her only good support up until my grandpa died beginning of my 8th grade. My mom will tell you she really didn’t have anyone to teach her how to be a mom. When my older brother was born, my mom was 18 years old, and she had her grandma help her a little bit before her passing but her relationship with her mom was not good at all. So the way she treated me most of my life and the way our relationship has turned into a mirror image of her and her mother.

I know my mom was always supportive when I did church events. She would be the first person to volunteer and come to different functions to show her support for me. What happen behind closed doors is not always what it seems when the doors are wide open. I would isolated myself in my room a lot. At times my step dad would refer it as my “cave.” Only if he knew what happen when I came out of my room especially after he went to work. The yelling would start, the words that cut me so deep would begin. So it was better to just stay there than deal with that stuff. I wasn’t allowed to be the normal teenage girl with emotions.I was expected to just know how to live life without making mistakes and be perfect. I was always past my years because of harsh expectations at home.

So here I am now, dealing with the aging mom. When I fall down now, she now wants to extend her love and grace. When I was a growing up and I needed that attention, that time, be held, show grace, not capitol punishment like I committed the biggest sin on the face of the earth. I lived in a house that was no different than a volocano. I never knew when it would erupt and when it did watch out. It was always targeted at me it didn’t matter what I said or done. I got use to be controlled, bossed around, and pushed away when raising me was too difficult.

The physical pain would go away but the words have stayed with me. Words cut. Its so much harder to take words back once they have been spoken.

So where do I go from here…